Jealousy
I was scanning through my news feed on Facebook when "it" happened. Stuart and Abby just got married. They've already been to Cancun; and today's update showed the newlyweds smooching in front of the leaning tower of pizza. I immediately began looking up ways to cheaply backpack through Europe (more specifically Italy). My husband asked,"What are you doing?" as he plopped down on the couch beside me. "Trying to figure out how to backpack through Europe. When would be the best time to travel with your work schedule?" I asked without looking up from my bright green iPad. "Well summer is usually a slower time, but I'd like to be around Fernie for the summer..."
Jesse continued to contemplate the best month to travel out loud, but I was already shutting down. Terrible grey thoughts had pushed aside my happy travel plans like a bleak rain cloud. "I'm stuck here
FOREVER! I'll have to spend the rest of my summers and winters in Fernie! I'll never get out of here! I'll NEVER see the world!!! Plus I'll never get a job, so I'll never have the opportunity to save up any money and travel anyway!!!" The sad thoughts steadily dripped away like Chinese water torture. Appropriately, I decided to take a shower. A nice hot shower actually clears my head. As I stood in our shower, watching the steam fog up the glass I began to analyze my mental paths. Why did I always feel trapped or limited, rather than free and empowered? My husband certainly wasn't saying,"Emily, I didn't want to tell you this until year three of marriage, but I tricked you when I said we would travel. You will actually NEVER SEE THE WORLD!!!" (insert maniacal laugh). I'm the one that capitalizes NEVER and ALWAYS in my silent monologues of a meaningless life full of the tedious mundane without the punctuation of adventure. So where does this terrible negative mental cliff jumping come from? Why am I telling myself that I can't have it all?
In many ways I do feel a bit trapped and stuck in my current situation (waiting for my PR application to be processed with a restrictive visitor visa). I also feel a bit clueless in a few of life's most important categories. I define myself with titles who's meaning elude me: Christian, Woman, Wife, Potential Mother, Hair Stylist etc. The truth is, I don't know what it means to be a Christian, or a woman, or a wife, and I currently have no desire to be a mother or a hair stylist. I've also donned the gold star of "hard working", but when working on myself is the only vocation available, I suddenly don't know where to start.
I did start a couple of things in hopes of changing my thought process and giving myself something to do! I went to my third counselling appointment on Monday along with my first guitar lesson. As I stood in the shower, I thought about my life to this point as well as the voice that so often harasses my best attempts to live well. I'm going to try overpower all the "cant's" and "who cares" and "if only's" that have been hindering me from doing things that really interest me, or going places that I really want to see. Instead of looking at my guitar (a gift from my husband from last Christmas) and thinking, "I'll NEVER be able to play that instrument well..." I will counter with, "I will learn to play my guitar so well that I'll be able to write music to my songs and RECORD them!!!"And instead of thinking about writing up a blog, but never starting, I will write blogs frequently because I CARE!!! And when I see friends kissing in front of historical monuments in exotic places, I wont look out my window at the grey and think, "I'll NEVER get to travel..." Instead I will start saving up frequent flyer miles and hiking all the paths and mountains in beautiful British Columbia in preparation for exotic adventures with my supportive husband.
After my shower, my husband found me getting dressed, "Are you O.K? did I say something?" I told him about my fears of never leaving Fernie and my envy of Stuart and Abby in Italy. "I was thinking about blogging later today..." "That sounds great, babe. I love your blogs," he replied. We're both sitting on the couch now. Jesse is reading while I type. Instead of feeling jealous, I am content. Night has settled over the snowy landscape of our little town. As Jesse turns a page, I lay my head against the couch. My fingers are sore from practicing my guitar earlier. It's a reminder of the small steps I am taking down a path of self discovery and freedom.
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