Mr. Curmudgeon's new Neighbor...

The ugly sand stained snow
on the hill into town.

 You know what's awesome? When you're really depressed and you can't hide it from your husband, which in turn saddens him because he loves you so much, which then makes you even more depressed because you love him so much... that's just a super fun time right there. It turns out my therapist was right. Before leaving for the holidays, she asked,"So what's going to happen after the holidays are over and you get back from seeing all your friends and family? What will you do then to stay in the positive place you're currently in?" "Ummm...."

I mean so far, hating Fernie seems to be doing the trick. It's very easy for me to despise such a cold and ugly place. I mean why would anyone want to live in a place like this? It's surrounded by terrible mountains that block out the sun and brood in a constant shroud of clouds (I know nothing of the feeling). It's covered in disgusting snow that went from sparkling white to dusty and yellow. Fernie is also very cold, and not one single person in this whole entire town likes me (what's not to like about me? I'm the essence of charm). I suppose some people might look at the rocky peeks and see breathtaking monuments of stone covered in beautiful white snow and swirling mists. And yes, maybe those same delusional people see hours of snowboarding and skiing between these mountains. "They" also probably think Fernie is an "adorable" "quaint" little town, rather than a dead end to life as we know it, but "they're" all wrong.

For Christmas, Jesse and I bought really nice cameras. After writing a really good song about a dragon that lives in the mountains of Fernie (he stole the sun because he thought it was gold and now he just blows smokey clouds all day long- it's the only logical explanation for the weather), I decided to go on a walk and take pictures. Of course there was nothing really picture worthy- I was still in Fernie! I plodded along the ugly road looking at the ugly mountains and took a few shots of the creek and the road. My thoughts were very encouraging as I walked up the hill into town, "I hate this place. I hate my life..." But behind those uplifting ideas, a song lyric was stirring. It comes to mind often, "If we go looking for offense, we're going to find it. If we go looking for real love, we're going to find it." It's from a Sara Groves song, "Loving a Person". I switched the words in mind to this, "If I go looking for ugliness, I'm going to find it. If I go looking for beauty, I'm going to find it." With those words, the question is, what do I want to find? Ugliness? or Beauty? The answer, although opposite of what I had been seeking, seems pretty clear. When I reached downtown, I stopped by Jesse's office to say hi. I had left our house around four thirty in the afternoon. As I stepped outside after seeing Jesse, I was stunned to find that the clouds had mostly lifted to reveal a bright slivered moon and dazzling pink mountains. I hurried past mugshots to get a picture of the Three Sisters without power lines obstructing the view. It was beautiful. I would love to tell you that after this encouragement I took my new-found beauty-seeking epiphany into the new day that is today, but I didn't.

Mmmmm..... a vanilla latte'...

After getting up this morning and photographing one of my favorite things: making a latte with the perfect blend of rich espresso and frothy milk, I found myself getting sadder and sadder. Yesterday, while scanning through my new's feed on facebook, this quote caught my eye (thank you Rosa if you're reading this). "Make sure your worst enemy doesn't live between your own two ears." Unfortunately, I've been noticing of late, that my worst enemy does live between my own two ears! I don't know when he moved in, but I can assure you that he has not been paying rent, nor did my squatter put down a damage deposit (and there have been damages since he arrived). His name is Mr. Curmudgeon. And although I hate to speak ill of anyone, Mr. Curmudgeon is not a very nice person. He is always sharing his opinions in a very gruff manner and they are usually condescending and rude. For instance, when I tried to write this blog yesterday, Mr. Curmudgeon, informed me, that he thought this whole blogging business wasn't worth my time, and as a friend, he suggested I delete the draft I had been composing and get some rest. I followed his orders to a tee. That's the thing about Mr. Curmudgeon, he always appears to have your best interests in mind, but if you follow his bidding, you will end up eating quite a few cookies, watching several movies, and really never doing much of anything, because like he says, "what's the point? no body cares."  As accurate as that often sounds, I've been trying to put a little bit more stock into my own opinions and desires.

 After all what if no body does care except me? Shouldn't that be enough incentive to do whatever it was that I wanted to do? I matter enough... don't I? Mr. Curmudgeon believes in doing things for the betterment of others and sacrificing selfish desires, but I don't think I'm as selfless as he once supposed. So I've decided to turn Mr. Curmudgeon's home into a split level. It's impossible to kick him out from the home he's made between my own two ears. He'll need time to find a new place, but I could really use the rent, and a new renter just showed up that's totally willing to pay (damage deposit and all!). Her name is Miss Charity. She is a very nice elderly lady (eighty two I believe she said). Miss Charity is the kind of person that drinks several cups of tea a day and enjoys fresh flowers. Don't let her age fool you either, she is a hard-working, down-to-earth, do-it-yourself kind of a gal. I'm hoping that with Miss Charity around, she'll prove a pleasant neighbor to Mr. Curmudgeon. While the two of them get to know each other, I will get out of bed (and put the rest of the cookies away for another time much to Mr. Curmudgeon's chagrin) and focus on two things: looking for beauty, and making friends with my new renter while distancing myself from the likes of Mr. Curmudgeon. With that perspective in mind, I hope to work my way back to the positive place I was in before the holidays. I'm sure I can find it again, even if I do still live in Fernie.... :)